If you hang around certain crowds for any given time there are some words you are very likely to hear. Like in some of my friends circles, we are likely to discuss homesteading in one way or another. With others, I could bet money that the word sourdough will be said at least once. With some friends the conversation is bound to land on homeschooling sooner or later, but for the purpose of this conversation right here, between you and me, let’s talk about the people who love the word:
>>> Codependency <<<
They’ll say it. For sure. *I might be one of them*
Just one word and yet so big, meaningful and deep. However, also vague, vast and possibly a little overused. (I’ve really scaled back…. well, I am trying.)
Maybe it’s a good idea to define it a little bit to have a more concrete understanding of what we are talking about.
The term codependency is fairly new considering the age of the English language. It was only coined in the 1980s, born out of the AA movement which recognized that those in relationships with people suffering from addictions also needed help.
The term has since almost taken on a life of its own and is now used in a much broader sense, stepping way outside the lines of its original use.
Codependency by definition is a “behavioral condition in a relationship where one person enables another person’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity.” When we walk in codependency, we are in essence saying that we are not ok if the other person is not ok. Basing our emotional well-being on the condition of those around us.
Man. That’s how quickly you can make an overused word punch you right in the gut with clarity.
When we take inventory of all of the relationships in our life, sooner rather than later, we will probably come across areas in our life where we might possibly be lacking some good boundaries and instead are walking in codependency.
When I started out on my journey of healing my soul, many years ago, that truth smacked me right in the face. It was uncomfortable and honestly annoying. I had to come to terms with the fact that I had been walking in codependency in almost all of my relationships and was lacking the skill of setting healthy boundaries almost entirely. I was making it work. Well, or so I thought. The damage it did to my inner landscape was significant and because we parent out of who we are, not what we know, my kids got a heaping helping of codependency right from the start.
When I look back on the last 20 years of my life, I’d say that realizing the extent to which codependency had a hold on me was one of the most humbling and choosing to take this giant on in battle one of the most overwhelming things I’ve faced about myself. We get to choose when the Lord brings issues like this to our attention. Healing from the past is an option. But so is not choosing healing. I don’t know that it’s always an obvious choice. Healing is hard and painful, but to me the alternative was not an option in this case. Keeping on going in this co-dependent rollercoaster of relying on my made-up ability to make others happy so that I could be at peace. Not doable long-term and unacceptable for me to pass down to my kids.
What is the healthy counterpart to walking in codependency? Living out of a healthy measure of self-love. Ugh. From difficult to impossible. But the more I dug my heels into understanding this and working through the roots of why my default was to be the ultimate people pleaser; I kept coming back around to the same thing. Self-love.
This is not a new concept. Jesus ranks self-love in priority right below loving God with all our heart. In Mathew 22:36-40 He cites Leviticus when He says: “Love your neighbor as yourself”. Perhaps our tendency is to focus on the ‘Love your neighbor’ part, but the power of the statement rests in the two simple words ‘as yourself’. He clearly lays out that in importance this commandment is exceeded only by the intensity with which we are to love God. With our whole heart, all of our soul and all of our mind. Out of a wholehearted love for Him flows a self-love that enables us to answer the call to love our neighbor.
We have become so afraid to be labeled as narcissistic that we shy away from self-care and self-love and instead walk in emotional bondage to the needs of others, many of which are not ours to meet in the first place.
Ouch. I know.
But I think it may be necessary for us to look at this. We cannot dissect such a powerful phrase of His and pretend like are following the whole commandment.
But what is self-love? How do we love ourselves in agreement with His design for us without crossing the line into the realm of narcissism?
I find it practical to be able to observe and imitate someone who has already mastered the new trait I’d like to develop further in my life. I don’t know of anyone else better to imitate than Jesus. He walked the talk.
When I look at how he ran His ministry, I am amazed at how many times the writers of the gospel deem it necessary to include His times of solitude. Jesus knew that the only way He could pour into others was by being filled Himself. He sought time alone with the Father.
Only after spending time alone with the Father and allowing Him to fill us with the strength necessary to face this day, can we even begin to think about ministering to someone else. I think this is one of those “Put your own oxygen mask on before you help someone else” scenarios. The simple truth is that we can’t pour something out of an empty container.
There are many more lessons to be learned from His way to minister, I am sure, but as the Lord was unfolding some of this, I did have to chuckle at one way the Lord showed self-care so beautifully. I think some of you moms may appreciate this along with me.
He napped. Y’all.
Jesus took n a p s .
He had been teaching the people about the Kingdom of God and He was about to cast out a massive number of demons and minister to the man who had been afflicted by them. From there He would go on to heal a very sick woman on His way to raise a dead girl.
>>>Busy schedule<<<
He knew he needed to recharge before getting off the boat, so He took a nap.
Sometimes we need to allow ourselves the rest necessary to continue doing what God has called us to do.
Jesus’ disciples interpreted His nap as a lack of care. That can happen. People around us may not see our self-care as healthy, but instead as lack of care, because they’d rather have us meet their needs. BECAUSE OUR CODEPENDENCY FEELS BETTER TO OTHERS! Do you hear that? It’s good to know who to listen to when it comes to self-love. The loudest, most convincing voices may not be shining a light on the right path! Checking with the One who made you is VITAL in knowing when it’s time to nap and when it’s time to get busy. That applies spiritually and literally.
I know this is a sticky topic. I want to encourage you to pray about this and seek God’s heart on this topic. What is He saying to you about how you are to practice, grow and mature in self-love?
It has been a long journey out of codependency for me. I’m still learning and perhaps that journey is for another time.
He is for you, friend! He knows that in some seasons of life, all we need is a little nap, even as the storm is raging.
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